A guest post from sexually confident dating coach, Hayley Quinn.
You rarely hear someone describe themselves as ‘sexually timid’. Whether it’s provocative Instagram pictures, or friends who conspiratorially whisper ‘I have A LOT of sexual energy’: our culture suggests that everyone is expected to be a ‘demon in the sack’ 24/7.
This is of course not real life. You may have your ‘swing from chandelier’ moments but it’s pretty normal to feel an ebb and flow around your sexual confidence.
As a dating coach I understand that confidence is environment dependent. You can be a boss in the boardroom, and submissive in the bedroom, or just straight up timid. And that is OKAY.
Hormones, changes to your body shape, stress at work, babies, formative sexual experiences, there’s a whole long list of things that can disrupt your inner mojo. To help you reclaim some of it here’s some techniques for becoming sexually confident again.
1. Sexual Confidence Tip 1: Remove Confidence Blockers
Find your confidence in other areas. I always see dating and sex as a positive externality or ‘cherry on cake’ of a well-formed life. Being really honest now is there some glaringly obvious part of your life that you’re not happy with which is dinging your self-esteem and affecting your sex life? Are you worried about something at work? Feeling unhealthy right now? Drinking a little bit too much?
A root to feeling confident sexually is to be happy with who you are outside the bedroom: look to build satisfaction in other areas of your life.
2. Sexual Confidence Tip 2: Practice Self Love
Whether it’s a truly scintillating vibrator collection, or just a good old-fashioned leg shave, do what you need to do to feel sexy with yourself first. It is hard to feel comfortable with someone else when you don’t know, love and trust your own body.
Reconnecting to yourself doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual: it could be taking up a dance class, touching yourself in a long, warm bath or splurging on some new underwear even if no one is going to see it right away.
3. Sexual Confidence Tip 3: Say What You Want
Particularly when I run dating workshops for women a subject that comes up time and time again is ‘how do I say what I need and what I want?’
I know in 2018 we’re meant to be way past this discussion but you may find it hard to articulate what you want. ‘Clamming up’ (no pun intended) usually happens when we fear that what we have to say will be judged by others. Sexually this comes down to understanding that your pleasure is your own dialogue: there isn’t a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to have sex.
Building of your understanding of your own body practice vocalizing ‘does that feel good?’ ‘I actually really like it when you touch me like this…’ Clear direction will make your sexual connection better.
Remember, finding your sexual confidence will be an experience unique to you. It is not about having the most sexual knowledge, or previous partners. Great sex is in the connection between people: not a solo performance.
To help this focus on knowing your own body and desires first, then communicating these clearly to who you’re with. It also means taking time to listen: to your own body and what the other person likes. You will find as your self-acceptance grows, and you find your voice, that you will come to your own unique experience of sexual confidence.