If I asked you to describe what constitutes good sex, or a good sexual partner, what would you say?
We all have a different idea about what makes sex ‘good’. For many of us, it’s someone who pays attention to our sexual needs, someone attentive (who isn’t afraid of oral sex), someone that makes you feel sexy, someone who tells you when something feels good, sex that’s passionate and sensual, sex that’s kinky, consensual sex, sex that’s surprising and always fresh…
One thing I think we can all agree on is that good sex revolves around understanding pleasure.
It doesn’t matter whether you’ve had sex with one person, or multiple people, it’s likely that at some point you’ve wondered if you’re actually any good at it.
Of course, there’s no way of really answering that, because one person’s fantasy could be another person’s nightmare.
However, there are a few universal aspects that can help you have the toe-clenching, spine-tingling, lip-biting, eye-rolling sex you really want.
Don’t just guess, ask.
You may think you know how to pleasure your partner without asking but the truth is, you probably don’t. Remember that no sexual partner is the same, so something your last lover enjoyed isn’t instantly transferable.
For example, we once had a customer ask us how she could encourage her husband to be more dominant in the bedroom. He was an attentive lover, very intimate and romantic… but to ‘get off’ she needed deeper, harder penetration.
As a means to open up a conversation about pleasure, she suggested buying a sex toy they could both enjoy, like Crescendo. Although initially surprised, he warmed to the idea and after some discussion, they both realised that they wanted the same thing; he was being extra sensitive because he didn’t want to spank her out of the blue in case she didn’t enjoy it, and she didn’t want to ask to be spanked for fear of being shunned.
The moral of the story is: communication is key. There’s a reason that’s a cliché…
Praise your sexual partner for good sex
We all have an ego, and we all like it to be massaged. Being told we’re good at something, or how we’ve made someone feel wanted is a great feeling.
Sex is such a natural part of life, yet we’re all too embarrassed to talk about it, or tell our partner how bloody great they were at lovemaking last night.
If your lover does something that makes your eyes light up with pleasure, tell them about it. Talk to them about how you like it when they touch you there, why you love it when they grip onto your hips or pull your hair like that.
The best way to guide someone’s behaviour is with positive reinforcement. Actively appreciate the good stuff, and you’ll be more likely to experience it again.
Know that orgasm isn’t everything – and try not to fake it!
This is something we deal with everyday; people besotted with finding a way to increase their ability to orgasm.
There’s nothing quite like a good orgasm, I get that. But please can we all take a moment to appreciate that good sex is not defined by an orgasm. Rather, let’s think of pleasure as a journey and enjoy every kiss and caress in the moment, without worrying about whether climax is nearing.
Stressing about when your orgasm will come decreases the chance of it actually happening. Orgasm takes dedication and endurance.
So instead of asking yourself why hasn’t it happened, is it me? Is it him? Am I doing something wrong? Do I like him? Does he like me? Just CHILL.
Talk to your lover about how you make yourself orgasm, where you touch, how hard you touch. And whatever you do, do not fake it.
Faking it will not help. It’s just a deterrent. He will think you love that thing he does, that you wish he didn’t. He thinks that enables your orgasm.
Introduce some mystery to your bedroom for good sex
I know we’re always banging on about introducing new, exciting things in the bedroom. You’re probably thinking all right enough already, we know you love sex toys.
Seriously though, they are great for a lot of reasons… having trouble climaxing during sex? There’s a vibrator for that. Is your sex getting a little same-y? Vibrators can help.
Vibrators help us explore our bodies, they help us discover ‘hot spots’, they boost our confidence, they encourage sexual liberation and – above all – they make us feel great.
Ty this – think of three ways you could use a vibrator to enhance your pleasure together. This could include using it during oral sex (for example, you could insert your Crescendo whilst your partner orally pleases you), you could tease different parts of the body during foreplay, or if you have a bendable vibrator like Crescendo, you could wrap it around your partner’s penis while he penetrates you with his fingers.
Decide your top three, try them out, and then tell me that vibrators aren’t something to shout out about… I bet you can’t.