Think of all the sexual partners you’ve ever had…
How many of these partners received oral sex from you? Compare that figure to the amount of partners who reciprocated, and gave you oral sex in return. I already know the total doesn’t add up.
The oral sex gap is a thing, and it needs addressing. But what went wrong?
When we were reading articles like ‘how to give your boyfriend the best blow job’ or ‘10 tips your boyfriend wish you knew about giving oral sex’, where were the articles saying ‘what every woman wishes you knew about oral sex’ or ‘how to make your girlfriend scream, using your tongue’.
Seldom do we see the same attention given to female pleasure than that of male pleasure, which is crazy when you think that 80% of women find it difficult – or even impossible – to orgasm through penetrative sex.
A study of men and women in heterosexual relationships found that women are more than twice as likely to offer their partners oral sex than men. Why is that? Because we don’t like it? No, that can’t be right. Because it’s too hard? Nope – don’t think so. Because it takes longer? I mean, perhaps but so what?
For some reason, our culture has depicted that oral sex for women is way more intimate than that for men; therefore cunnilingus in casual relationships is often sparse.
Whereas lots of women are comfortable (and used to) performing oral sex with their male partner, receiving it feels like a gift only to be given by regular lovers.
I think it’s time we stop pretending this isn’t happening, stop accepting excuses and start getting the pleasure we deserve.
I’m sure there will be men out there reading this thinking ‘hey wait! I’m a good guy – I like to give’. Yes, I’m not denying there are many generous lovers out there; the problem is (figures show) that you’re part of a minority.
We shouldn’t have to congratulate every man that gives us oral sex; male focused oral is a given. Female focused oral shouldn’t be any different.
The sad reality is that for a lot of women, receiving oral sex is awkward, embarrassing and not enjoyable.
The good news is, we think that’s just because you haven’t learned to embrace it.
Here are a few common concerns we have when it comes to oral sex. I hope reading them will help you sit back, relax and finally enjoy the attention your vulva deserves.
1. You’re worried about how you look and taste
This is our most common concern. The lack of education and exploration surrounding female pleasure has resulted in women feeling ashamed of their vagina.
We’re taught to dislike the appearance of our vulva, and constantly question or feel embarrassed about our natural vaginal smells and tastes.
Whoever said penis tastes, looks or smells better than any vagina had obviously never pleasured a woman.
We all want to have a ‘nice’, ‘normal’ vagina. But what does that even mean?! What constitutes ‘nice’?
There is no ‘normal’ vulva. They come in all shapes, sizes, textures and colours. No two labia or clitoris are alike – some are long, some are thick, some are small, some are big.
As the wonderful Emily Nagoski once wrote:
“When you can see your body as it is, rather than what culture proclaims it to mean, then you experience how much easier it is to live with and love your genitals, along with the rest of your sexuality, precisely as they are.”
I promise you, there is nothing wrong with your vagina. We all smell and taste differently and that’s fine. Your natural scents are nothing to be ashamed of, and should never be the reason you decline oral sex.
If you need more convincing, this article from Cosmopolitan answers some of the questions we’ve all asked ourselves in the past.
2. You’re not used to having all the attention
We all get a bit embarrassed when we’re in the spotlight. Whether that’s opening birthday presents in front of a big crowd, or opening your legs for a slightly smaller crowd… the trick is to not overthink it.
Enjoy the moment and the pleasure your partner is giving you.
Try not to fixate on when you’re going to climax; firstly, that’ll defuse the likelihood of it actually happening, and it will distract you from actually enjoying the experience.
Orgasm isn’t the be all and end all of your sexual experience.
Obviously it’s an added bonus, but enjoy the sensation of your partners tongue around your clitoris, or their lips kissing your inner thigh. That’s just as pleasurable.
Understanding this, and embracing the little things, will help you reach a better, more intense orgasm.
If that doesn’t work, you could always try using your vibrator at the same time. I guarantee you’ll feel amazing.
3. You’re not taking enough control
Taking control and talking to your partner about what you like isn’t rude.
I speak to so many women who feel bad about stopping their partner from doing something they don’t like. If you don’t like how vigorous he is, or how hard he nibbles, you need to tell him.
There’s nothing worse than bad sex. Oral isn’t about endurance – it’s about pleasure.
Never just ‘put up’ with something because he thinks it feels good. Communicate, and you’ll both become better lovers in the long run.
Don’t be afraid to thrust your hips, angle your vulva around their mouth or even hold their head (as long as they’re into that).
If anything, your partner will find your eagerness to pleasure yourself sexy.
4. You feel awkward giving feedback
Of course you don’t want your sexual partner thinking they did a bad job, and it can be tough voicing your desires, but giving feedback is really beneficial for both of you.
You can’t give yourself oral sex, so it can be difficult to describe how you like it.
You can’t give them a step-by-step guide, but you can give examples of when they did something that felt great.
For example, if you really liked the slow build up, or you enjoyed it when they licked harder or slower or faster, tell them.
You can use this as a way to praise your partner, whilst giving feedback at the same time.
Remember that there’s no need to be silent during sex, so why not try and do this while he’s still down there, that way you have a better chance of having a great time!
Guys: if you’re looking for some descriptive advice and techniques, I recommend you read “She Comes First”. It will completely change the way you think about cunnilingus, and maybe even make you quite the connoisseur!