Avoid These 3 Common Topping From The Bottom Mistakes

We will discuss three common "topping from the bottom" mistakes you should avoid for a healthier and more fulfilling BDSM experience. Read on!

Published Jul 04 2023 3 min read

The world of BDSM can be exhilarating, offering unique avenues for pleasure and eroticism. However, as with any form of sexual exploration, it comes with its own set of challenges and potential pitfalls. One such pitfall is a dynamic known as "topping from the bottom," which can create confusion and dissatisfaction in a BDSM scene or relationship. 

This term is used when the submissive partner starts to dictate the terms of their submission, effectively taking control and undermining the power dynamic.  

Today, we will discuss three common "topping from the bottom" mistakes you should avoid for a healthier and more fulfilling BDSM experience. 

1. Failing to communicate effectively

Communication is key in any sexual relationship, but it becomes even more crucial in BDSM. When discussing your desires and expectations, be as specific as possible. If you're new to BDSM, you might not know what you like or dislike, and that's perfectly fine.  

Allowing yourself to explore and learn is part of the process. However, you should always communicate your hard limits—activities you are unwilling to participate in. Clear communication of these boundaries can prevent any unwanted surprises during play.  

One common topping from the bottom mistake is not discussing your desires, limits, and expectations beforehand. Some submissives may start dictating the scene in the middle of the play because they needed to communicate their needs earlier but didn’t. This can lead to misunderstandings and discomfort. 

To avoid this, have a frank and open conversation with your partner before you start playing. Discuss your fantasies, hard limits, safe words, and what you expect from each other. Remember, BDSM is all about consent, trust, and mutual satisfaction. Ensure you're both on the same page before diving into the scene. 

2. Misunderstanding the role of a submissive

In the context of BDSM, submission is about willingly and consciously surrendering control to a trusted partner. This act of surrender is not about passivity but rather a consensual power exchange. It's about offering the reins to someone else, not because you are incapable or unworthy, but because you trust them to lead you on this shared journey.  

That said, another common mistake is misunderstanding the nature of submission. Some people believe that being submissive means having things done to them without their input. This can lead to situations where the submissive partner tries to take control in the middle of a scene to meet their needs. 

However, submission is not about being passive or having no say in what happens. It's about willingly surrendering control to a trusted partner. As a submissive, you have the right to negotiate the terms of your submission, establish limits, and use safe words when necessary. Never let someone convince you that your consent or input is unnecessary in a BDSM scene. 

3. Using sex toys without consent or knowledge  

Finally, another topping from the bottom mistake is introducing sex toys into a scene without the knowledge or consent of the dominant partner. For example, a submissive might bring a new paddle or dildo into a scene and start dictating how it should be used on them.  

This undermines the power dynamic and can lead to safety issues if the dominant partner is not familiar or comfortable with the new sex toy. 

To avoid this, always discuss new sex toys with your partner before introducing them into a scene.   

Like your kinks and limits, your use of sex toys should be a mutual decision. And remember, BDSM is not a competition or a power struggle. It's a shared journey of exploration, trust, and pleasure. 


Avoiding these three common topping from the bottom mistakes can greatly enhance your BDSM experience. Always remember the importance of communication, understand the true nature of the submission, and never introduce new sex toys without mutual consent. Always prioritize safety, consent, and mutual enjoyment above all else. Happy exploring! 

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