How To Discuss Your Desires And Kinks

No matter how long you and your partner have been together, having "the talk" can seem intimidating. It may never feel like the right time, so your fantasies . . . well, they stay fantasies. Here's how to discuss your desires and kinks in a way that will bring you closer.

Published Jun 11 2020 7 min read

No matter how long you and your partner have been together, having "the talk" can seem intimidating. It may never feel like the right time or the right words might not come to mind, so your fantasies . . . well, they stay fantasies.

In reality, withholding your desires from your partner is only holding your relationship back and decreasing your intimacy. When you share your cravings with your partner, you expand your sensual horizons and foster a safe space where you can be completely and utterly honest with one another. You're not just spicing up your time together in the bedroom, you're developing a deeper connection with one another. 

How to Talk to Your Partner About Desires, Fantasies, Kinks, and More

Step One: Set the Mood

Make sure the evening is free of distractions, whether that means making a few extra phone calls during your nine to five or putting the kids to bed early. Once the night is free of any potential distractions, begin setting the mood: light a few candles, set out your best lingerie, maybe pull out a few toys and your favorite lube. Make sure your bedroom is romance-ready.

Before things get too hot and heavy, start talking to your partner about various desires, fantasies, or kinks you've been craving to try with one another. You don't have to blurt it out, but the discussion should begin while the night is still young. You could say something along the lines of...

  • "Hey honey, I keep having this fantasy of..."
  • "I really enjoy these moments together, and I've been wondering if there was anything you've been interested in trying out lately. Personally, I'd really like to..."
  • "Babe, I saw this really interesting position that I know you would be irresistible in..." 
  • "I love the way you caress me, but I was wondering if you could try..."

Remember: Nothing is offensive about giving your partner a few pointers, either. Your guidance only makes them a more knowledgeable partner and you a more pleasured lover. Many partners actually find it quite a turn-on if you grab their hand and help them reach your G-spot!

Step Two: Lead by Example

Watch Porn Together

discuss desires and kinks in bed

Sometimes it may take a demonstration for your partner to begin warming up to the idea or to fully understand the steps you would like to take together. Watching porn together is a wonderful way to build intimacy and learn more about each other's sexual interests. 

Remember: No matter how long you've been together, partners may be a bit reluctant to watch porn together due to shyness or worrying about what the other person may think. Create a space in which your partner feels comfortable. Avoid kink-shaming

If watching porn together feels like too big of a leap, you may want to consider picking up a book on Kama Sutra, the Sanskrit guide to sexual techniques and practices that have long withstood the test of time.  

Do A Little Sensual Shopping Together

Doing a little sensual shopping together is another great way to show your partner what you'd like to try. You can either browse for accessories online while laying in bed with each other or simply send them screenshots of vibrators that catch your eye. 

MysteryVibe has a wonderful selection of smart, customizable vibrators for him and her with water-based lubes and massage oils that will bring your pleasure to the next level. Additionally, we offer various guides and examples that can help you and your partner begin thinking outside of the box. 

Remember: It's important to make sure both partners feel engaged and included when using a vibrator. It can do wonders for your sex life and should be an addition to your pleasure, not a distraction from it. Allow them to play around with the vibrator and don't be afraid to guide your partner on how to use it!

Get Inspired

If you or your partner have both expressed a desire to try something new but you're not quite sure what, sensual playing cards or dice are an exciting and spontaneous way to spice things up in the bedroom. 

The Crescendo Playbook is perfect for couples who are feeling bold, daring, and adventurous. The playcards highlight various positions and techniques to give a try while using Crescendo, the smart, bendable vibrator.

Talk Dirty to Me

Don't be afraid to mix in a little dirty talk, either. It may seem awkward at first, but once you open the floodgates, it'll become natural, almost irresistible. Catch them off guard and get them craving more. 

Remember: Nobody wants to hear a novel while they're going down on you. While dirty talk is a great way to build tension and set the mood during foreplay, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Keep it simple, keep it sweet, and keep it sexy. Trying out new pet names can be a lot of fun and very erotic for lovers, too!

Step Three: Listen, Listen, Listen

sexy couple discussing desires and kinks

Be Respectful and Mindful of Your Partner

Nothing is sexier than consent. If your partner has fears or doubts about what you would like to try out in the bedroom, hear them out. Don't shun them or dismiss their questions, as this will only create distrust and hurt.

As you open up to your partner about your various interests, they will feel more comfortable about sharing their fantasies, too. Show your partner the same respect you expect of them and listen to what they'd like to try, as well. Chances are, this will open you up to a whole new world of pleasure that may have never even crossed your mind before!

Do Your Research

Safety is key. When engaging in a new sexual practice together, especially something like hot wax or BDSM, it's important to make sure you know what you're doing. Be sure to read up on various guides, precautions, and stories from real couples who are well-versed in what you would like to try.

Remember: Porn can be a wonderful tool for exploring a fantasy, but it's not always the most practical approach to learning the reality of what you would like to try. At the end of the day, porn stars are actors and professional pornography is created with an entire team of directors, editors, and videographers. 

Have a Safe Word

A safe word is a great way to establish your boundaries and ensure that everything about to occur between you and your partner is 100% consensual, especially if you're giving anything that involves domination and submission a try for the first time. It's a code word, often something entirely random and unrelated to sex, that lets you or your partner know to stop.

Remember: Your safe word should be something unambiguous, yet somewhat bizarre so that it catches your attention. It should be a word that would never find its way into the bedroom otherwise so that it really sticks out. 

Step Four: Take Action

After you've opened up to each other about your desires, done your homework, and established your comfort zones, you're ready to engage in the action. 

Take it Slow

As tempting as it is to dive right into the action, slow and steady wins the race. There's no need to rush to the finish line, so take your time. Explore one another, test the waters and really give each other the opportunity to enjoy this new activity together. 

And Remember...

  • Consent is key. Period. 
  • Safety is just as important as consent. Do not engage in anything risqué that either of you are unsure about. 
  • Respect, respect, respect. In order to accentuate your sex life, you have to be able to communicate. If you want your partner to listen to your desires, show them the same courtesy. Intimacy is a two-way street. 
  • Do your research together.
  • Porn, Karma Sutra, sensual playing cards, and shopping for sex toys are fantastic for getting inspiration and becoming more educated lovers.
  • No matter how wet you get, you can't go wrong with lube. It guarantees a smooth glide for both penetration and handy action that feels great for both lovers. 
  • A vibrator should add to your pleasure, never distract from it. You can even show your partner how to use it on you!

Most importantly: Have fun. When you discuss your desires, fantasies, and kinks with your partner, you're not just spicing up the bedroom. Together, it gives you the opportunity to create a much deeper sense of intimacy and trust with each other. As you begin sharing your desires, so will they. This will keep your precious time together fun, interesting, and exciting! After all, you never know what you might learn about your lover. 

Mystery Vibe specializes in smart, customizable vibrators that will redefine everything you thought you knew about sex and vibrators. Plus, we offer guides and inspiration that'll keep you and your partner on the edge of the bed, begging for more.

For tips, tricks, techniques, and more, head on over to our blog.  

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