The ‘honeymoon period’ is often said to be the sexiest, most intimate time of a relationship. You know the feeling… that first six months when you can hardly keep your hands off one another. You’re having sex constantly. You talk all day, everyday. You want to spend every waking moment with that person.
When does this feeling stop? And why does it stop?
As time goes on, you get to know every inch of your partner; their likes, dislikes, whether or not they’re a morning person, how they like their coffee, what makes them laugh, which side of the bed they prefer, why they sometimes act weird around their siblings, who they go to when they’re feeling sad or happy or excited or nervous, how they felt when they first had their heart broken… all of their sweet idiosyncrasies and insecurities become ingrained into your mind, and you’ve never felt so close to another human being.
The more time you spend with your partner, the more trust, love and security you build. So, if everything else increases, why does the desire between you seemingly decrease?
Psychotherapist Esther Perel once wrote “intimacy, as we define it today, is about transparency”.
It’s about sharing everything and being known. It’s about never feeling alone – having companionship, economic support… having someone to rely on, who loves you for the person you are.
We want our partner to be our best friend and our ally. We want them to look after us, both mentally and emotionally. We want them to be the perfect parent and the perfect lover. They need to know and love us but at the same time, desire and lust after us.
We expect all of this and more from our partner. We yearn for mystery and transcendence. To feel like we did back in that honeymoon period, titillatingly exploring each other’s bodies.
We get so close to our partner’s body over the years that their touch feels no different from our own. While this is beautiful and romantic, it somehow makes things feel less sexy. The Mystery in the bedroom gets more difficult to create.
You don’t need to tell me that holding onto that passion in a long-term relationship is difficult because trust me, I know.
One of the reasons we built MysteryVibe was to help long-term couples reignite their sexual desire, and put some mystery back into their lives.
So how do you get that sexual desire back into your relationship? Here are a few ideas for anyone feeling as though the spark in their relationship is dwindling. We hope it inspires you to take control, and never give up.
Communication is key
Part of the fun of starting a new sexual relationship is talking about what turns you on and finding out what turns your lover on.
The issue a lot of us have is that conversation only happens once, right at the beginning of your relationship. Six, eight, ten, twelve years down the line… you’re still having the same sex, touching the same places.
We speak to a lot of people who are desperate to get their sex lives back on track. But when we ask ‘when was the last time you spoke to your partner about what turns you on’ they often can’t remember.
Great sex comes from good communication. As we get older, and our relationships mature, our tastes change. Think about something you’ve been fantasising about recently… got it? This has been swimming around your sexual thoughts for a while, but I bet you’re yet to discuss it with your partner.
Ask yourself, how can I expect my partner to pleasure me, if they don’t know how I like to be pleasured?
It’s really important that you have continuous open, honest conversations about your sex life – the good and bad bits.
Try this: write a list of all the things you’d like to explore and ask your partner to do the same. You’ll often find that there will be some cross overs.
Now you both know you want the same thing, you don’t have to feel bad about it. For example, if you both suggested introducing a new person into the bedroom – you can explore this option together. Think of it as a relationship building tool, a fun checklist to conquer as a couple.
Explore new sensations with sex toys
Whether it’s whips, feathers, blindfolds or vibrators, sex toys are never designed to replace, they’re designed to enhance your sexual experience.
We speak to a lot of people who worry that introducing a toy like Crescendo may hurt their partner’s feelings, or make them feel as though they’re not good enough.
That doesn’t have to be the case.
Find a unisex toy that you can both enjoy as a couple. Firstly, you’ll be exploring something completely new together and secondly it’ll introduce you to new sensations that can help you feel sexier for longer. Give yourselves a reason to explore your curiosities and discover erogenous zones you never knew existed.
Try this: take it in turns to caress different parts of the body with your Crescendo. Remember that vibrators aren’t just for internal play; try the neck, nipples, inner thigh… you choose!
Re-evaluate what ‘sex’ means to you
Our lives are full of routine, which is accentuated as the family unit grows. We place ourselves in certain roles, be that of mother, father, wife, husband… these caretaker roles are all attributed with being caring and loving, but they’re not sexy.
By desexualising ourselves, we find it difficult to feel excited about pleasure. Rather, we see sex as a chore – an act we know we should probably do, but because there are so many other things that need doing – it’s not a priority, and it’s not enjoyable.
When did we forget how beautiful and exquisitely fulfilling the act of sex and pleasure can be?
Try this: both of you write down your favourite sexual experience with each other. Now, swap and talk about what makes the memory so sexy. Was it especially intimate? Was it kinky? Was it different from your usual routine? Have you masturbated thinking about it? Why not try re-enacting the scenes to remind yourselves of how you felt at that time.
Spend some time apart
A lot of couples see themselves as a unit, working together to ensure everything in the family runs smoothly – and that’s great. However, we can’t forget that every person needs some time to themselves, or with their friends. Spending all your time with one other person will not increase your desire to see them naked, or to touch them… if anything it decreases your desire because only an hour ago you were getting frustrated at the fact their dirty washing was sprawled across the floor!
Try this: spice things up by spending some time away from each other so you have time to miss them. Why not organise a weekend, or a night away with your friends, separately, say once every few months.
Disconnect from the world
We live in a hyper-connected world. Our phones are the first and last thing we touch at night and we’re constantly checking social media or emails.
I can’t stress how important it is to switch off from your online world, and talk to each other. Turn your bedroom email routine into an erotic one.
Technology is here to stay, which is one of the reasons we built the MysteryApp. Now you have an excuse to use your phone in the bedroom!
Try this: lots of us like to watch TV before going to sleep. However, this is a major distraction from sex. So reserving a night every now and then, to enjoy erotica you both like will turn the TV into a sex aid rather than a sex killer.
The evolution of sexual desire is natural, and to be expected. The worst thing you can do is just accept that sex is no longer part of your relationship, because that never has to be the case.
Hopefully this blog has given you some ideas about how to reignite that passion and get back to a time when you had butterflies at the sight or touch of your partner.
You share something incredibly special with a long-term partner; don’t let a lack of desire be the death of that.