Last Reviewed: 23rd October 2020
So you want to learn how to have a threesome that lives up to the hype?
Well, here’s the cold hard truth: a “perfect” threesome does not come easy.
They can be challenging to organize, messy (think more tongues, more genitals, more fluids), and they can arouse some seriously complicated emotions. Not to mention there are a variety of misconceptions surrounding threesomes that put a damper on this enticing adventure.
Yet, with the help of our 10 tips on how to have a threesome, you will increase your chances of having a pretty thrilling three-way.
In this article, you will learn:
If you are still undecided on whether to go ahead with your ménage à trois, first check out our article on the psychology of desiring threesomes & whether you should have one!
For those ready to embark, let’s go!
What is a threesome?
Otherwise known as a three-way or a ménage à trois, a threesome is a sexual experience between three people.
This definition may be common knowledge for some; however, we should clarify that a threesome does not have to include acts like penetration and oral sex to be a threesome. The sexual acts involved are at the discretion of the participants.
A threesome can become complicated if not executed well. Differing emotions between the three parties and a lack of communication can lead to poor decision making.
It can be fun though!
If you continue reading below our ten threesome tips can help ditch the complications and lead to an enriching experience.
10 tips on how to have the “perfect” threesome
According to this 2017 Forbes article, “One in seven Americans has had a threesome, and one in five finds them appealing.”
The Archives of Sexual Behavior further reveals that 64% of participants of an online survey of 274 heterosexual young adults (202 women, 72 men) expressed interest in a threesome.
There was even a popular 2011 British sitcom called Threesome that surrounded the subject and got pretty raving reviews.
The appeal is there. Now here’s how to do it and have a good time.
#1. Decide which type of threesome you want
The first step towards a fantastic ménage à trois is contemplating which type of threesome you most desire.
Here are 5 potential threesome dynamics to choose from:
- Two men one female (MMF)
- All men (MMM)
- One male two female (MFF)
- All female (FFF)
- Gender-fluid threesome (GFT)
No matter what gender dynamic you choose to pursue, Dan Savage reminds us in his podcast of an essential three-letter-acronym:
“Good, giving, and game – GGG.”
This acronym translates into - be good in bed, giving to all partners, and game for anything. (See Tip 4 on consent).
To see what teases your tastebuds, maybe watch threesome porn. We recommend FrolicMe’s threesome section to get started.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you want to be dominated?
- Do you want to explore a different side of your sexuality?
- Are you single looking for a couple, or a couple looking for a single?
These questions will help determine which type of threesome you can pursue.
#2. Bring it up with a partner (for couples)
If group sex is something you want to explore with a partner, it is important to approach this topic sensitively to avoid feelings of rejection.
Relationship therapist Colin Richards explains that it is important to explore the desire behind your fetishes before expressing them to a partner to avoid any hurt. Looking into psychology can help you and your partner explore your sexual bucket list further. Find out where your sexual fantasies might come from here.
How to start the conversation
Communicating your sexual desires with your boyfriend or girlfriend can be a big deal. If you find it difficult to talk about, there's some great advice on how to start the conversation and how to ask for what you want in bed. One of our favorites is to start the conversation with:
“I had a dream we did this…”
This intro will open up the conversation and let you gauge their reaction before proposing it as a real desire to act out. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will likely be keen to try and fulfill your sexual desires. If not with a threesome, perhaps in other ways. You can always spend time fantasizing about it together.
#3. Arrange your threesome
Spontaneity
Spontaneity is usually the most exciting and successful way to engage in sexual experiences. If you are lucky enough to spontaneously find two others who follow the “good, giving and game” principle, then skip straight to Tip 4.
When it comes to threesomes, those exciting, random meetings may be less likely to happen because there are more people involved. Therefore, here are a few more ideas for organizing a threesome.
Friendships
Be aware that having a threesome with a friend can get messy. You will likely see each other again, and depending on how close you are, you may not look at them the same way. Boundaries can be crossed, especially with someone close like a best friend. Be warned.
Alternatively, threesome sex with a friend could be a fantastic idea. If you all know each other relatively well, there is a level of already existing respect and understanding. The chemistry could be perfect. Begin with a game of spin the bottle – which of course may sound childish and strange with just three people – but it will get you all kissing pretty quickly.
Dating apps
Online dating sites and dating apps like OkCupid are a great place to find at least one person up for some fun. Joint tinder accounts for couples are also so popular that a copycat company developed Thrinder (3nder) specifically for threesome hookups. Either sign up as a single looking for couples, an individual looking for other singles, or as a couple looking for singles. They have since changed their name to Feeld after a lawsuit by Tinder.
Sex parties
Sex parties are designed for exploring your sexual self, they can be the perfect place to test out your desires in an environment that takes consent and comfort very seriously. Killing Kittens is a play party set up for mixed-gendered adventurous couples and bisexual or bi-curious women wanting to push their boundaries. However, they have recently been doing a host of all female events. Read our review on their first “girl-only” play party where our guest writer played the role of a voyeur and observed many naked girls, FFF lesbian threesomes, & more.
Sex clubs
The beauty of sex clubs is the level of consent and general safety (see Tips 4 & 5).
Never experienced a sex club?
To get an idea, read about London’s most notorious fetish night, Torture Garden.
In the darkest corners of this sex-crazed space, you will find spit roasts galore! Perfect for an MFM threeway fantasy to be fulfilled.
Festivals
Music festivals often have tents or domes dedicated to people wanting to express their love and passion for one another. For example, the Orgy Dome at Burning Man. Need we say any more? It may be difficult not to have a threesome (& then some) with 500 people under one tent.
Hire a professional third
Richards highly recommends that couples hire a professional when introducing a third person into their sex life. Keeping it within a business transaction ensures that the right motivations are there. An escort, or even erotic masseuse (such as Ebony & Ivory), will understand the complicated dynamics of a threesome and be especially sensitive to the emotions. There is also an agreement that when the professional leaves, the threesome is over.
A non-professional, on the other hand, may be unaware of how to treat the couple individually when brought into a monogamous couple dynamic. Such unawareness could trigger negative emotions.
#4. Talk about everything, beforehand
Get consent
Getting the permission of every person involved is a high priority. Nobody should feel coerced into doing something sexually.
Pleasure expert and host of Pleasure Island Parties, Jessica Parker, says:
“Threesomes can be hard work if intentions aren’t clear. Consent and being clear on what your boundaries are from the beginning is super sexy and really helpful when things get hot.”
Within the kink community, consent is defined as an enthusiastic yes and not the absence of a no!
Create a safe word
Establish a safe word before engaging in threesome sex. Allow everyone to end the threesome or take a break to check in with themselves.
Additionally, if you are a couple and you have found someone you want to invite into your bed, make sure that person wholeheartedly agrees to it. Do not continue to perve on them if they haven’t.
Define rules and boundaries
This is vital for monogamous couples engaging in a first time threesome. With that said, all threesome groups should follow this tip.
Discuss ground rules and boundaries surrounding all sexual activity, including:
- Fingering
- Blow jobs
- Oral sex
- Penetration
- Anal sex
- Dirty talk
- BDSM tactics
You may also want to discuss the involvement of sex toys, as well as any rules surrounding who is allowed to do what to who, and post-threesome contact. Ask your group - Is this a one-time experience, or can it happen again?
A lack of ground rules can foster feelings of jealousy, hurt, and insecurity. Be clear about what is off-limits so that everyone can feel comfortable.
Decide if it will be a secret or not
Discuss if the three of you will be keeping your ménage à trois a secret or not. You don’t want to be embarrassed or embarrass anyone else.
Discuss plans for afterwards
Before embarking on your sexual journey with one another, make after plans. Will you cuddle and hang out once it’s over, or should the group disassemble once the encounter has ended? Talk about plans beforehand to avoid awkwardness and confusion later.
#5. Safety first
Discuss sexual health
Before indulging in your threesome, discuss one another’s sexual health. Does anyone have any physical issues or concerns? If anyone in the group has an STI or STD, they should disclose this information.
Be smart
Just as you would with a new partner, condoms should be worn, and dental dams used to protect from STIs. Ensure you are putting on new protection when changing sex positions and partners.
If toys are shared, wash them with organic toy cleaner in between using them on different people. See Tip 7 for our favorite threesomes positions where you can incorporate advanced sex toys & vibrators like Crescendo and Tenuto.
Keep these supplies on hand- Extra condoms
- Sex toys (if you want)
- Cleansing wipes
- Tissues
- Water
No need to fumble around looking for supplies once everyone is hot and heavy or sticky and finished.
#6. Make space
You might want to set up on the floor. Include chairs, footstools, or for the super prepared some Liberator sex furniture, into the mix. If at a party, avoid places you can get walked in on and interrupted…Unless you’re hoping for a bigger group scenario to take place.
“My biggest complaint is the bed wasn’t big enough!” – anon
Make sure you have enough space to hold the three of you comfortably. Think about the different sex positions you may want to try (see Tip 7).
#7. Try these awesome threesome positions
Whatever position you choose, make it three-way friendly!
Here, Parker’s expertise in threesome dynamics come in handy:
“Feeling like a third wheel or being left out whilst the other two are getting it on can suck, be mindful that a threesome is so much more fun when you come up with creative ways to all be included and attended to!”
Triangulate the erotic energy through the three of you. With these threesome sex positions you can choose to incorporate vibrators Crescendo and/or Tenuto into the mix.
The Seesaw (with Crescendo)
Conga Vibes (with Tenuto)
Shuddering Snowplough (with Tenuto)
Feelings of being overwhelmed may arise during your threesome. There will be an extra pair of hands and extra genitalia. You will be multitasking your hands and orifices, so mentally prepare yourself for some potentially awkward but fun-filled rearrangements.
#8. Deal with difficult emotions
Threesome dynamics can ignite jealousy and arouse insecurities we didn’t even know we had. If you are in the heat of the moment and you or someone else feel uncomfortable...
Either:
Accept those negative thoughts and feelings as just thoughts and feelings. Bring yourself back to the present and ask whether you want to continue.
Or:
Face those thoughts and feelings and end it there before it goes any further.
Remember your safe word. As everyone will have consented to this threesome, everyone should stop when one person withdraws their consent.
“A bad threesome was when I was invited by a couple who had fantasized about me joining them then the girl started to feel insecure so I ended up giving her a therapy session of sorts and left them having sex!” – anon
Communication is key. Respect is fundamental. Post-group sex chat will likely involve discussing emotions that arose during the experience, but it’s not obligatory. You’re not obligated to be a sex therapist, but do be sensitive to each other’s feelings.
“Me and my partner had a few lovely kink focused ones, although we definitely had to find our feet and have lots of communication before/during/after.” – anon
#9. Unicorn advice
The term “unicorn” is controversial. It equates a bisexual (usually female) interested in heterosexual couples for threesome dynamics. Author of sex educational book Faking It, Lux Alptraum explains:
“A unicorn is a creature who’ll bring all the sexy fun without creating any drama, baggage, or need for emotional work—and the reason she’s called a unicorn is because, quite frankly, she doesn’t exist.”
When looking for a threesome, it is essential to be aware of the fetishization of bisexual women. While there are people who are interested in this type of threesome – it is the presumption that all queer women are “unicorns.” Unfortunately, “unicorn hunters”…
“…reduce bisexuality to a party trick, and bisexual women to baubles that exist solely to entertain and excite straight [people].”
Be conscious of bisexual fetishization. Bisexual people are no more likely to want to participate in group sex than a person of any other sexual orientation. Treat them as such.
#10. Don’t do these things when planning a threesome
Just as there are things you should do during a threesome, there are some don’ts.
DO NOT:
Act like a pornstar
Laura Bell at Vice interviewed a married couple who struggled with this when they began introducing thirds into their sex life.
Roxy says the first time they brought in another woman, her husband Rob was “performing this weird macho routine” in the bedroom. “It was unsettling,” she told me.
“Look I’d only seen threesomes in porn, I thought that’s what I had to do!” Rob interrupted.
If you don’t regularly engage in dirty talk or say words like “pussy” and “cock” to your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, now is probably not the right time to start.
Get FOMO
The fear of missing out is not sexy. If you need to take a break, grab a drink, or go to the loo, it may feel as though you are missing out. Avoid being shocked to find the fun continuing while you were gone, and don’t fear you missed out when re-entering the sexual dynamic.
When you are ready to join in again, they will welcome you in. That is the point of a threesome.
Be “too couply”
While it is encouraged to be open with each other, couples should be cautious of making the third person feel uncomfortable with their relationship. Save some of the uninviting intimacy for your twosome times.
“They were too “couply” on the date which didn’t leave a lot of room for the build up and just didn’t make the whole experience enjoyable from my end.” – anon
Disconnect emotionally
Understand that emotions do and will probably come into play within this sexual dynamic.
Shutting off feelings might seem like the best way to avoid any jealousy or discomfort, however, those feelings will likely arise in hindsight anyway – so address them at the moment calmly and honestly.
Be possessive
You have signed up for a threesome. Don’t do it if you’re not game for sharing pleasure.
Misconceptions about threesomes
Misconceptions seem to surround all sexual fantasies and acts, including threesomes. Before letting your preconceived notions ruin your threesome, read our advice.
Some of the most common misconceptions surrounding threesomes are:
1. You will know what to do in the moment
Unfortunately, there will be several moments where you are unsure of where to jump in and how to react. If this is your first threesome, you will likely have to find your feet as you go. Be patient and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
2. It’s a fantasy for people with penises
Threesomes can be anyone's fantasy, just as dominant and submissive roles are for all genders. Don't put fantasies and desires down to a particular gender because of stereotypes perpetuated by porn.
3. Only young people have them
Threesomes can occur between men and women of all ages. We are human beings. We all have sexual needs and desires.
4. A threesome will ruin your relationship
Dr. Ryan Scoats (a PhD in threesomes) found that the most significant assumption for couples is having a threesome will destroy their monogamous relationship. Whether it is a married couple or two people in a long-term relationship, this fear is consistent. Many worries lie in the continuation of sexual or even emotional contact with two people without the other’s consent. With our communication tips above, you can avoid destruction and also strengthen your monogamous bond.
A quick dictionary for your threesome needs
To avoid any confusion, here are 10 thesaurus & dictionary terms that will help you understand the potential dynamics of a threesome:
- Ménage à Trois - A French word that translates to “household of three.” Though it is often used to describe a sexual threesome, a menage a trois is traditionally a domestic arrangement in which three people live together and share each other sexually.
- Guest Star - A person that is joining a couple for a threesome.
- Voyeur - Someone who enjoys watching others.
- Exhibitionist - Someone who enjoys when other people are watching.
- DP - Double penetration. When a woman’s vagina and anus are both penetrated at the same time, whether by two penises or by a cock and a sex toy.
- Devil’s Threesome - Another term for MMF threesomes (a threesome between two men and one woman).
- Unicorn - A bisexual person, usually a woman, that wants to be involved with a couple in a threesome.
- Cuckold - A man that is turned on by the sight of his female partner having sex with another man.
- Cuck Queen - A woman that is turned on by the view of her partner having sex with another woman.
- Polyamorous - Someone who believes in having romantic relationships with multiple people simultaneously. Such relationships do not have to involve sex but often do. Polyamourous bonds are often called open relationships.
Learning how to have a threesome that doesn’t include awkward or uncomfortable feelings can take time and effort; however, it is well worth it.
Sex and relationships are complicated, and a threesome can be a big deal. The idea of sharing intimacy with two people simultaneously can be exhilarating for men and women, but the experience must entail care and consideration.
Those in a monogamous relationship or a long-term relationship must carefully approach the idea of bringing a guest star into their sex life. Further, three singles will also want to tread with care as to not leave someone feeling excluded. Being naked with others can be intimidating and even awkward at first. It’s important to be sensitive during threesome sex.
Whether you use dating sites, sex clubs, or friends to find your third person, ensure that everyone involved feels comfortable and gives consent.
Lastly, be safe. Extra condoms and sanitary wipes are a must when mixing fluids with multiple people.
Now you are prepared…try not to overthink or over plan it, and enjoy riding the tricycle if it comes your way!
