There is always room for improvement when it comes to communicating with your partner about sex. Even seemingly perfect couples can struggle to communicate at times - especially when something as vulnerable as sexual fantasies are the topic of discussion.
The good news is that there are some simple steps you can take to make the conversation flow smoothly between you and your loved one. Whether you consider yourself to be shy or bold, you can learn how to communicate more freely about sexual fantasies by following the eight tips below.
1. Choose your timing wisely
Good timing can make a world of difference when talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies. For instance, revealing your fantasies while your partner is not feeling well or studying for the CPA exam the next morning is generally not a good idea. Your partner will likely be distracted and unable to fully focus on you and your desires. Here are some tips to choose your timing wisely:
- Try to select a time that you and your partner are alone so you can fully focus on each other
- Try to choose a time when your partner is not preoccupied with work or school activities
- Try to select a time after your daily obligations have been completed so your conversation is not rushed
If you are having a hard time finding time to talk to your partner, schedule a quiet evening when you are free of distractions and stressors. If your discussions go well, you might even find yourself acting out your fantasies with your partner right after you reveal them. So make sure you are prepared with any special toys, clothing, or props that are part of your special fantasy!
2. Include your partner in your fantasy
If your goal is to entice your partner to act out your fantasies with you, then it is a good idea to make sure you know your fantasies involve your partner as opposed to just anyone. You can do this by making sure to reference your partner when talking to him or her. Here are a few examples:
- Impersonal: "I am having fantasies about experimenting with vibrators."
- Personal: "I would love for you and I to experiment with wearable vibrators together."
And here is another:
- Impersonal: "I have always fantasized about having sex on a plane."
- Personal: "One fantasize I have is us joining the Mile High club, and having sex on a plane."
By using words and phrases like "you and I," "together," and "us," you show your partner that they are an important part of your life - even when it comes to acting out fantasies.
3. Minimize distractions
If you are a shy person, it can be hard enough to express your innermost desires without worrying about having to repeat yourself due to a distraction or interruption. A distraction is anything that can derail your efforts to tell your partner about your fantasies. Distractions can occur in the form of people, noise, technology, visual interference, and stress. Here are some specific suggestions to help you minimize distractions as you talk to your lover:
- Turn off the television and any video games
- If music helps you feel less nervous, play some music. But turn the volume down so it does not interfere with your conversation.
- Make sure that children and pets are safe, fed, and occupied to avoid interruption
- Put cell phones and other electronic devices on silent mode and leave them in another room
- Choose a private location in your home or other space where you are comfortable
4. Go for a short walk before you talk
"Another way to amp up your walk is to go to expansive places that bring on a sense of awe. Our oxytocin levels increase when we're in expansive places...Oxytocin is the love connection hormone. I think that is part of the reason we want to share our photos of nature: because we want to use them to connect with others."
- Emma Loewe, Mind Body Green Health
If you are shy or nervous about talking to your partner, you can help calm your nerves by taking a short walk. And with your anxiety lowered, you will be in a better state of mind to talk to your partner. A short 20-minute walk is all you need to lower anxiety levels. Best of all, the physical activity will help contribute to your physical health and your overall well-being.
5. Use examples to communicate
Did you come across a new position in a movie that caught your attention? Or see a bendable vibrator that sparked your curiosity? If you’re unsure how to bring it up with your partner, showing an example can make the conversation feel much more natural.
For example, if a movie scene features something you’d like to try, you could watch it together and use the moment to start a discussion. A simple comment like, “That looks interesting - what do you think?” can open the door without making either of you feel pressured.
Visual references can also help when words don’t quite capture what you have in mind. Sharing a photo, illustration, article, book excerpt, or product video can give your partner a clearer understanding of what interests you. Some couples also find that watching ethical porn together helps them explore new ideas and identify experiences they’d like to discuss.
You can also use tools designed specifically to spark these conversations. MysteryVibe’s PlayCards feature beautifully illustrated positions that couples can explore together, with or without vibrators. Rather than focusing on performance, they provide inspiration, encourage exploration, and make it easier to talk about new experiences you might like to try.
6. Consider your partner's fears and sensitivities
While it is important to be open when sharing your fantasies, it is equally important to keep your partner's fears and insecurities in mind. Failure to consider these feelings can compromise the health of your relationship and leave your partner feeling worried and vulnerable - exactly what you don't want to occur. Before you start describing all of your fantasies in detail, think about your partner and their feelings. Here are some examples to consider:
- If your partner has claustrophobia or a fear of flying, you may not want to suggest living out your fantasy of sex in an airplane lavatory
- If your partner is terrified of the dark, asking your partner to live out your fantasy of sex in an underground cave could evoke fear
- If your loved one hates fruity flavors, consider suggesting a vanilla-flavored massage cream instead of a strawberry one
- If your partner was the victim of infidelity in the past, you may wish to discuss your fantasies that do NOT involve another person or a threesome.
7. Turn shared fantasies into shared experiences
After sharing, the natural next step is often exploration. That can take many forms: shifting routines, trying new dynamics, or introducing something fun that enhances shared intimacy, such as a couples vibrator.
It can also be as simple as revisiting what was shared and letting it shape the mood, rather than trying to recreate it exactly. A fantasy mentioned in passing might become an invitation to experiment with pace, touch, roles, or positioning in a way that feels spontaneous rather than planned.
There’s also room for discovery outside the bedroom. Some couples browse ideas together, explore products side by side, or talk through what stood out in a particular scene or reference.
8. Keep the channels of communication open no matter where you are
Sharing your deepest fantasies is a process that should not occur in a vacuum. Ideally, you and your partner will now feel more comfortable discussing your desires moving forward. The first step in keeping the channels of communication open is to tell your partner how much it means to you to be able to share your innermost desires with them.
Next, tell your partner that you hope they feel just as comfortable sharing their fantasies with you. Let your partner know how important open communication is for your sexual health but also to maintain the health of your relationship in general. You can take the lead by keeping your communications strong even when you are on a long-distance trip or away from your partner.
Now that you have committed to keeping the communication channels open, do not let off the gas! Now that you and your partner have made it past the initial challenge of opening up to each other, you can share your innermost desires regularly and freely!
Takeaway
Sharing sexual fantasies can be intimidating, but once you find a way into the conversation, the result can be incredibly rewarding for you and your relationship. That segue might come in the form of a casual question, a scene in a film, a gifted vibrator, etc.
What matters is the space you create around the conversation: one where both people can speak openly, listen without pressure, and stay connected even if they’re just exploring ideas. From there, your only limit is your imagination.
