When people think about kink the first thing to come to mind is usually something to do with bondage, rope and harnesses. Yet there is much more to kinky relationships than the physical, with the four main pillars centering around trust and openness. How can the principles of kink improve every relationship? And why should the principles of kink be applied to all relationships?
Kink looks different to every person, but its core holds four main principles of the highest importance. Communication. Honesty. Respect. Trust.
Now, any relationship should hold these four components at their core but there is a deeper understanding and practicing of them that sets kink apart. By incorporating them into “vanilla” or every relationship you could find yourself improving your relationship.
Some kink-based relationships follow these frameworks to the letter, others use a more holistic approach whereby they incorporate all elements, not necessarily in acronym form. But this is the basic structure for negotiating relationships, scenes (the sexual activity itself), and interactions (both sexual and non-sexual) consistently. These acronyms are used to highlight what’s at the core of relationships:
RACK (Risk Awareness Consensual Kink)
Keep your safety and wellbeing at the forefront of your relationship, regardless of kink and fetish.
- Risk-aware: you both know the risks associated - such as red marks from spanking
- Consensual: everyone has consented to the sexual adventure enthusiastically, this means no pressuring someone into doing anything
- Kink: something that deviates away from sex ‘norm’ aka ‘vanilla’ sex
SSC (Safety Sane Consensual)
This is usually used by those exploring riskier sexual activities such as choking, BDSM, and powerplay. The complex dynamics and nature of these relationships mean you need to check in frequently and consistently, as anything could change at the moment.
- Safe: Make sure it is safe - whether that is a fail-safe if you are exploring bondage or having a hand signal if the person is gagged
- Sane: Activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind - which means not under the influence of harmful substances. When treading the line of pleasure and pain things can change quickly and alcohol and drugs both tend to change your reaction time.
- Consensual: Enthusiastic consent all the time!
So, how can these principles help improve your relationship?
Enthusiastic consent
Often people use consent that was given at the beginning of a relationship or the sexual act - but things can change at the moment. Whether that is because what they consented to has changed, or whether they have withdrawn their consent.
Enthusiastic consent isn’t something that just happens at the beginning of sex, it’s something that happens consistently throughout the encounter with any sex act. But very important when you are trying something new or kinky for the first time. Communication and consent shouldn’t just be reserved for kinky - it is an important part of any relationship whether sexual or not but is vital if you are exploring power dynamics such as submissive/dominant or potentially treading the line of pleasure and pain. Try checking in with your partner more regularly during your relationship and sexual adventures to ensure you always have enthusiastic consent.
Safewords
Expressing thoughts and feelings, needs and desires can be difficult in any relationship. Kink teaches us that needs should be respected and you shouldn’t shy away from conflict but rather express and evaluate.
The hallmark of a kink-focused relationship is the use of safewords, but these should be readily inserted into your relationship regardless of how kinky you are. Whether that is whilst getting heated in the bedroom or helping manage your arguments. Respect your partner’s boundaries by stopping when they use the designated safe word to help with setting clear boundaries.
A common system is the traffic light system; which is great for expressing your feelings whether good or bad. By using green as GO, orange as SLOW DOWN, and red as STOP. You might shout green if you are enjoying what they are doing, orange if it is feeling a little overwhelming, and red as a means of expressing you want it to stop immediately.
Communication
Good communication is needed for all parties to be able to express their feelings and tell the other what is and isn’t OK. Having this at the forefront of your relationship means the conversations taking place are open and honest. Don’t fake your orgasms to feed your partner’s ego. Instead, let them know how your sexual experience could be improved. Otherwise, you might find resentment building.
Respect
Putting your partner's physical and emotional needs at the forefront, and ahead of your desires and instant gratification. For example, if your partner ‘isn’t in the mood’ don’t pester and convince them otherwise. Put their needs ahead of your own, know the hard limits and don’t push them. These are hallmarks of good relationships that are authentic.
All relationships should be based on mutual respect, not necessarily agreement but this can only be achieved if each person is open and honest, continuously.
Aftercare
Aftercare is the norm when it comes to kinky sex - with people experience momentous highs and lows when pushing their emotional and physical limits. By physically and emotionally checking in with your partner. A cuddle, a chat or a cup of tea can be great ways to check in with your sexual partner and make sure they are ok. This might seem daunting to do with a new partner or one-night stand - but it will make all the difference in ensuring they are ok. And for those who are in a long-term relationship, this little addition will make your partner feel all the more special and appreciated.
Let the principles of kinky sex improve your relationship and go have some naughty fun!
