The sex is good. You just wish they'd do more of one thing, and less of another. But you struggle to find the words to say so.
You're definitely not the only one left tongue tied. Asking for something sexually out loud can feel risky - nobody wants to sound critical, ungrateful, or like they're handing out a performance review mid-sex. But research covering nearly 40,000 people in relationships found that couples who talk about sex report more satisfying sex and stronger relationships.
Partners aren't mind readers, and waiting to have your mind read rarely works.
Below are five ways to ask for what you want in bed. Some are verbal, some are non-verbal for different communication styles.
1. Explore the A, B, C method
During sex, label three distinct moves A, B, and C, then ask your partner to pick their favorite or what they want more of. It's a great way to gauge specifics and build a shared repertoire. Say A is a kiss, B is a nibble, and C is a lick - if they're really into B, keep incorporating it.
For example: want to explore different anal play techniques? Use the same method to learn or teach your partner about your preferences. Stroking the perineum could be 1, licking the anus 2, and a finger pressed to the anus 3. Cycle through them all and take note of which one they repeatedly ask for more often than others.
Using this technique encourages your partner to do the same for you, so you can say - or indicate - what you want just as clearly.
Labeling the moves also makes it easier to talk through the experience afterward, since many people find it hard to describe sex acts in the moment. For example:
"I really enjoyed number 1, and if you could try it with a C, that would be the best!"
2. Try the dream method
Many people have taboo fantasies or kinks they’d like to explore. There's a whole range of kinks out there and none of them need justifying, but exploring a kink with your partner takes trust, and good communication.
An unthreatening way to introduce a fantasy or fetish is the dream method. Start by stating:
"I had a dream we did this…"
This opens up a conversation free from judgment - just blame it on the subconscious. From there, you can explain it's something you might actually want to try. Sometimes, though, just talking about a fantasy is enough for people to feel fulfilled. It's often the repression of a fetish that makes it stronger.
Sharing fetishes and kinks with a partner can help you grow closer, and makes it easier to ask for what you want in bed more generally. Just remember: when exploring kinks, always talk afterward about what worked and what didn't. That keeps trust and comfort intact, especially since kinks can bring up unexpected emotions.
3. Positively reinforce sounds
Talking during sex can feel daunting, especially if you're not used to it or you're with a new partner. Researcher Elizabeth Babin, an expert on health communication at Cleveland State University in Ohio, says that non-verbal methods of communication can feel safer:
"…could be perceived as being less threatening, so it might be easier to moan or to move in a certain way to communicate that I'm enjoying the sexual encounter than to say, 'Hey, this feels really good, I like that," Babin said. "That might seem too direct for some people."
Sound can trigger arousal responses and help you stay present in the moment, especially during sex.
It's harder to make a negative sound when a partner is doing something you're not into, so try going quiet in those moments instead. Encourage what you do enjoy sexually with excited sounds, squeals, or moans. Just don't go too dramatic - imitating porn-star-level theatrics can backfire, since your partner may think you're faking it.
4. Share your porn preferences
Speaking of porn, another way to ask for what you want in bed without using words is through visual mediums. Consider ethical porn as great educational entertainment to share what you like in bed. We all know that porn is acting, but it's useful if there's a certain position, role play, or type of bondage - like Shibari, also known as Japanese rope play - you'd like to try.
5. Engage in mutual masturbation
Show them exactly how you like to be touched by touching yourself or masturbating in front of your partner. It's a direct way to communicate what you like, how you like it, in an exciting way that your partner is sure to appreciate.
If the spotlight being on you during masturbation makes you uncomfortable, try sharing in mutual masturbation, which is both of you masturbating in front of each other. This can ease pressure to “perform” and make it more about mutual pleasure.
Masturbation is also a natural way to introduce a vibrator, like Crescendo 2, into the bedroom, if that’s also something you’ve wanted to try more of with your partner but haven’t been sure how to bring up.
Vibrators can feel intimidating to a partner at first. But during mutual masturbation, they'll see how good it feels for you - and they might even want to try it themselves.
Takeaway
Wishing your partner did more of one thing isn't a complaint, but the way you communicate what you want does make a difference in reception. Whether you use a letter, a dream, a sound, or a scene, you both win when you communicate about sex.
Turning it into a game takes the weight out of it entirely. Sex games for couples work the same way as most of these listed methods - they take the pressure off saying it outright, and let you both share and learn something new in a stimulating way.
