Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just affect your body, and it isn’t just about you. It affects your relationship, too. Whether it’s happening every now and then or has become a more regular part of your sex life, ED can bring up a mix of feelings: frustration, embarrassment, anxiety, guilt. And let’s be honest, most men don’t exactly feel like opening up about it.
But keeping quiet usually makes things worse. It creates distance. Adds pressure. And leaves both partners guessing what the other is thinking.
What helps is talking. Not with a script or a perfect solution - just real, honest conversation. Something that says, “We’re in this together, and I want us to feel close again.”
Here are 11 tips for talking about ED - how to bring it up in a way that feels straightforward, honest, and less uncomfortable. Plus, a few ways to handle it in the bedroom, so you can work through it as a team.
Causes of ED
Before you talk about ED with your partner, it helps to understand what might be causing it. There’s no single reason, and often, it’s a mix of things. Sometimes it’s physical, like diabetes, high blood pressure, heart conditions, or side effects from prescription medication. Other times, there are psychological causes of ED. Stress, depression, low libido, and performance anxiety can all contribute. Even something as simple as being overtired or having a few drinks can be enough to throw things off now and then.
What matters most is knowing that ED doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. It’s a common, treatable medical issue that can affect any man of any age. And when you understand where it’s coming from, it becomes a lot easier to talk about and handle together.
Tips for how to talk about ED
You don’t need the perfect words. You just need a place to start. These tips will help you bring up ED in a way that feels honest, respectful, and low-pressure - for both of you. Whether it’s something new or something that’s been lingering unspoken, these are real ways to start the conversation and keep the connection.
1. Set a shared goal
When you’re ready to bring up ED, don’t start with solutions. Start with honesty. Tell your partner what it’s been like for you, not just physically, but emotionally, too. That might mean opening up about a moment where things didn’t go as planned, and how it left you feeling afterward. Maybe it was embarrassing. Maybe it was the pressure to “perform”. Whatever it was, name it. As best you can.
Example: "The last time it happened, I felt tense and stuck in my head. I kept wondering if you were disappointed or frustrated, and that made it worse. I thought if I changed positions it would return, but it didn’t work.”
And then shift the focus away from you and towards the team of you two. Say you want to feel close again. Say you want to work through it together. That one shift - from “I need to fix this” to “I want us to feel good again” - changes the whole conversation. Getting your partner involved in the solution will make navigating ED much easier.
Being honest about your experience shows vulnerability and trust for your partner. And it tells your partner this isn’t just about sex; it’s about staying connected.
2. Choose a calm moment
Timing matters. Bringing up ED in the middle of sex, right after things don’t go to plan, or when one of you is already frustrated can lead to high emotions, defensiveness, or even an argument. And that’s not the kind of conversation that helps either of you feel closer.
Instead, look for a time when things feel steady. That might be after dinner, during a quiet walk, or when you're both relaxing at home without distractions. Avoid screens, alcohol, and anything that splits your attention. Let your partner know you want to talk and keep it straightforward.
Example: "Hey, can we talk about what happened during sex? I mean, my erections.”
Picking the right moment shows respect for both of you and gives the outcome the best chance of being positive and proactive. It gives you the space to talk without turning it into a confrontation or a reaction to something that just happened.
3. Set conversation boundaries
Talking about ED is important, but it doesn’t need to turn into a marathon session or a back-and-forth argument. A little structure can go a long way in keeping the conversation respectful and productive.
Decide ahead of time what feels off-limits or unhelpful. That might mean agreeing not to bring it up in the middle of sex, not interrupting, or calling a timeout if emotions start running high. Some couples even use a safe word during these talks, a quick way to hit pause and regroup.
The goal isn’t to control the conversation. It’s to protect it, so both of you feel safe enough to be honest without worrying the talk will spiral into something unhelpful.
4. Swap blame for curiosity
When sex doesn’t go as planned, it’s easy for frustration to come out sideways. Maybe you shut down. Maybe your partner pulls away. Or maybe you both go quiet and pretend nothing happened. But when you finally talk about it, blaming each other or yourself won’t get you anywhere.
Instead, try to shift the conversation from blame to curiosity. That means sharing what’s been going on for you without turning it into a complaint or an accusation. And if you're the partner, it means asking questions that invite honesty instead of putting pressure on performance.
If you're the one experiencing ED, try saying something like: "When it happens, I get so in my head I can’t focus on anything else. It’s not about you, but I know it affects us."
If you're the partner: "How does it feel for you when it happens? Is there anything I can do that would make it less stressful?"
Avoid making it all about your own frustration. And don’t assume you already know what your partner is thinking. A little curiosity goes a long way in keeping the conversation from turning into a fight and helps you both feel more supported.
5. Use pressure-reducing language
The words you choose can either make ED feel heavier or take some of the weight off. If the conversation starts sounding like a performance review, full of “shoulds,” “why didn’t you,” or “this always happens,” it’s only going to add more stress.
Instead, focus on language that removes the pressure to perform and replaces it with the goal of feeling good together. If you’re the one experiencing ED, you don’t need to explain every detail. Just be clear that you want connection without pressure. And if you’re the partner, avoid anything that sounds like a critique, even if you’re feeling frustrated.
The right words can reduce expectations, and when the conversation isn’t loaded with expectations, it’s easier to stay present and actually enjoy being together.
6. Normalize ED as common
If you’ve been struggling with ED, it can feel like you’re the only one going through it. But you're not. It’s incredibly common. Millions of men experience it at some point, and most don’t talk about it, which only makes it feel more isolating.
This is where your partner can play a big role. If you're the one bringing it up, a simple reminder that ED is common and nothing to be ashamed of can take the pressure off. And if you're the one experiencing it, hearing that from your partner, out loud, can make all the difference.
Example: "This isn’t just you. A lot of couples go through this. We’ll figure it out together."
ED is a medical issue, not a reflection of who you are or how much you desire each other. When both partners treat it that way, it becomes easier to talk about and a lot less loaded emotionally.
7. Look at treatment options together
Once you’ve started talking about ED, it can help to look at what’s actually out there to help manage it. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but there are plenty of options, and working through them as a couple can take some of the pressure off.
Some men explore lifestyle changes, like lowering stress, improving sleep, or changing medications. Others speak with their doctor about ED prescriptions or try therapy, especially if there’s performance anxiety involved. And then there are doctor-recommended ED devices, like Tenuto 2. It’s an FDA-registered wearable vibrator that’s clinically proven to help improve erections and performance anxiety all while stimulating a partner. It works by boosting blood flow and arousal to both partners, so it supports both of you during sex.
The point isn’t to rush into a solution; it’s to open the door. When you talk through the options together, it becomes something you're figuring out as a team, not something one of you have to fix alone.
8. Offer to attend the doctor visit
One way to show support is by offering to go to the doctor together. Sometimes just having someone there, even if you’re sitting in the waiting room, can make the whole thing feel a little less overwhelming. It’s a way of saying, "I’ve got your back."
If he’s open to it, being there for the appointment can help you both better understand the treatment options, ask questions, and make decisions together. Hearing directly from a doctor or specialist can make it easier to talk through things at home and help both partners feel more informed and supported moving forward.
Sometimes even helping him prep, like writing down symptoms, listing questions, or booking the appointment, can be just as helpful as going with him.
If he says no, respect that. Some men prefer to handle medical stuff solo, especially when it involves something as personal as erections. But just knowing the offer is there can help take the edge off.
9. Take one small step this week
You don’t have to solve everything overnight. In fact, trying to do too much at once usually backfires. The better move is to agree on one small, realistic step you can take this week, something that makes you both feel like you’re moving forward without adding more pressure.
That might mean booking a doctor’s appointment, trying a no-penetration night, using a vibrator like Tenuto 2, or just having one open check-in about how things are going. Whatever it is, keep it small and specific. Progress doesn’t have to be big to be meaningful.
10. Embrace non-penetrative intimacy
As much as we’re taught to see penetration as the main event, there are many ways to be intimate and sexual that don’t rely on getting or staying hard. In fact, taking the focus off erections can help both partners relax and enjoy the experience more.
That might mean oral sex, mutual masturbation, using a couple’s vibrator, or simply exploring sensual massage. These types of connection can create closeness without the pressure of needing an erection to make the moment “count.”
Non-penetrative intimacy also opens the door to more communication and experimentation. You can focus on what actually feels good, instead of what’s expected. When both partners feel free to enjoy sex without a fixed goal, intimacy becomes less about performance and more about shared experience.
11. Show love in nonsexual ways
Sex is one part of intimacy, not the whole picture. When you're dealing with ED, keeping other forms of closeness strong becomes even more important. One of the easiest ways to stay connected is by showing love in small, consistent ways outside the bedroom.
Think about the five love languages - words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gifts. You don’t need to go over the top. A genuine compliment, a kiss before leaving the house, offering to handle something stressful, planning a date night, or even picking up their favorite snack can go a long way.
These moments of care and attention create a strong foundation. When affection isn’t only tied to sex, the pressure eases and connection grows, and that makes it easier to talk through and work through ED together.
Takeaway
Talking about ED isn’t easy, but it’s a lot easier than keeping it bottled up. When you understand what’s behind it, open up about your experience, and bring your partner into the conversation, you turn ED from a silent stressor into something you can handle together.
Whether it’s setting a shared goal, choosing the right time to talk, shifting the language you use, or exploring intimacy without pressure, every small step adds up. Support doesn’t have to be perfect - it just has to be honest. The more open you are with each other, the less power ED has to get in the way of connection.
And when you’re ready to go further, here’s how to have great sex with ED.
